Thursday, March 5, 2015

This time, it is different


I used to be left by my husband for 2 weeks long for work, but this time it is different. 4th Feb 2015 marked the day I woke up with mixed feelings. Sad, angry, scared, empty, lost.

Bangun2 je dari tidur terus rasa tak nak pergi kerja. How am I going to leave for work when I know that I will be left alone the moment I get home later in the day? Wah sedihnye. So I text-ed my senior asking for leave. Thank God he approved it. 

I just want to be with my husband on his last day at home. Initially I was planning to ask him to bring me to the bank to run some errand, but ended up we just spending the time together doing nothing. 

We ate breakfast together, lepaking in the bedroom, transferring files on the laptops, taking naps, arguing over the aircond (he hate the coolness from the aircond but I couldn't stand the hot weather!), watching him packing his bags, listening to him reminding me about this and that, etc...

Then there comes Zohor prayer time around 1.30pm and I know the time for him to leave me is just around the corner. While performing the prayer itself I couldn't stop my tears from expressing the sadness that I kept inside since few days ago. 

I finished my prayer and try to talk to him as usual, hiding my sobbing tone and the traces of tears on my praying veil. 

We ate our lunch together, and I still could hold the feelings. Sending him off the door, and then to the car was the hardest part. I was standing right in front of the gate when my eyes burst into tears once again. I didn't care if there was anyone watching me. When he noticed it, he went off the car and came to me. He gave me a hugged, rubbed my back and asked me to stop crying, softly. How could I? ... 

I couldn't, but still I have to let him go. I watched him left with heavy feelings, and then continue crying in my bedroom up stair. My baby kicking non stopped as if she knew what's happening. 

It will be the longest 2 weeks of my life. I'm in 36 weeks + 6 days into my pregnancy now, going to be full term by tomorrow. And then it will just be a matter of time for the baby to see the world. 

Yes I want my husband to be around when the time comes. Yet I've made up my mind to be prepared for any circumstances. 

But what scares me is that.... well you know, giving birth is not a simple process. For what I have saw and heard and learnt from my experienced, there are plenty of 'things-that-we-don't-want-to-happen' that might be there during that duration. And that would be more terrible if it occur without your love ones around. Naudzubillahi mindzalik. 

That is why this time, I was so sad and scared when he left me. I'm scared I can't see him anymore.  I'm scared if the past two weeks was the last moment we being together. 

Oh Allah, please forgive us, save us, save him... Allow us to reunite when the time comes.  Ameen... 


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